Names have been changed to protect the innocent. :) 

Dear Texas, 

This is a letter I'll never send. Well, I take that back. When people go through this computer after I've died an untimely death, or for some reason am on my death bed, or simply are snoopy and want to piss me off, you may or may not be getting this letter. Personally, if I happen to be in any of those aforementioned situations before the time I'm 25, I don't think I'd mind you getting this letter. Some odd vindication in that, I think. 

It's the middle of November. You stopped speaking to me about two months ago. I think the last real conversation happened before September 11th. I want to hurt you like you hurt me. But I don't know how I can do that, since I've sworn you off. And revenge isn't my thing, necessarily. I tend towards simply doing better without you. 

That being said, there are some things I need to get off my chest. I was ready and willing to marry you. We were on my version of "lock down" as you put it, and I don't think I was mistaken when you made continual jokes, and not so joke-y jokes about getting a ring on my finger. You said you would... at least go through the motions with asking my parents, coming up here for Yom Kippur, "not wanting tonight to be the night that I (you) didn't talk to you (me)." I have to ask: were those things lies? Was what you said something you had no intention of ever following through on? Let's be real: did you really lead me on THAT much? (And dare I say it, did I fall for it THAT much?) 

How do I put it? When we were at camp, and the Lead Facilitator called you out during staff training, it was interesting. You took the criticism like an upstanding gentleman and someone with a humble heart. I suppose I expected that of you... that ability to just be real in the face of someone confronting you. I expected that the person I knew at camp, and for the month or so after wards... would be the person I'd spend a very long time with it. And I was willing to do that. You have no idea how willing. It feels like a knife sticking out of my chest every time I try to explain how much. But that's ok, I'll live. See this? I'm trying to hurt you by explaining how much I hurt. Well, you made the hurt, so I guess that's reasonable, right? 

Here's what I don't get: how all of your actions stopped aligning with what you said, and with what you said you believed in. You were not a southern gentleman to me. You were not the person who said they would never toss me aside. You were not the person who said they would never objectify me. You were not the person who said I want to make this work. You were not the person who said they were responsible for themselves. 

I don't understand why you let me go. I still wake up in the middle of the night looking for you, though I wake up and force myself to realize you aren't there, and you don't want to be there. I still dream about you, though now I wake up angry and scared from those dreams. Consequently, I don't sleep well anymore. Not like I slept great before, but at least before I could function. Now I just force myself past the exhaustion. I was sick for the first time in six odd years for the last two weeks. Like I said, I don't sleep anymore. I still hear songs on the radio that remind me of you. I still hear things in the way a person might say something, or a gesture, that reminds me of you. I saw someone that reminded me of you a few days ago. I was a blithering idiot (not really, but still, disturbed to say the least) afterwards. 

How can I say this? You hurt me. A fairly decent sized scar has been left in my heart. You were a person I let into my world without hesitation. And you left. "Please, peace out!" No explanation ("I'm busy" doesn't count). No reason ("I've been a jerk" doesn't count). 

I've been told you're a rookie. That you're immature. That you got scared. That you didn't know what/who (meaning me) you'd gotten yourself into. That you were simply and genuinely dishonest throughout the entire experience. For your sake, and the sake of the women who are in your life now, I really hope that's not true. 

But I will tell you this. For all of my lack of sleep, for all of my idiosyncrasies, for all of my anxiety attacks, for all of my OCD, for all of my ability to command and for all of my love that I would have given to you: I hope you realize what you did, and never do it again to anyone. 

Why? Because this is what happens. You end up with someone like me (smart, funny, pretty, educated, witty *mostly*, adventurous), while wishing you well, will never ever let you get close to them again. 

Most decidedly not - 
yours, 
Balance

Dear B.W.,

I sit here in front of this monitor as it blinks, almost as if taunting me; urging me to pour out my heart, and so I give in, I will do just that...

They say that love knows no boundaries and takes time to build, yet feelings and interest are on the contrary to this seemingly concrete idea of love. It's only been two weeks, but as they say: it's not quantity, it's quality. I don't know why I feel the way I do, I don't know how this came to be, but it is what it is. I want to say that what I feel isn't, in fact, infatuation, but I would be lying to myself. I've wished to hold your hand, to take you out, to be what no other guy has ever been: a man.

You've said I've acted strange as of late; truth be told, I'm not one to be very open with my feelings when the outcome is not one of complete certainty. At the end of the day, all men are like this, we don't like being completely honest with our feelings unless they're mutual. You say we've come from the same past, I for one, disagree; there are so many things I haven't told you, so many things I haven't showed you. There are so many things that I can't tell you, but I would want to, alas, business is business, and you don't talk about business. I've been told that when love is created, you bring each other into each other's worlds and then create a whole new world of your own. How I wished I could have done that with you, but I've seen your hesistation, your ever strong walls which you've put up; the excuses you perpetually create to avoid alone time with me. It saddens and disappoints me, I know you've given A your heart...I know you have invested heavy feelings in what you seemingly have with him. To a certain extent, it feels as though my chances are non-existent, but many of my close people beg to differ.

I've made up my mind, and no, there never was another woman I was interested in, I simply told you that to divert the attention. YOU were that woman, yet I can no longer foresee a future where you're by my side. it hurts, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It's been nice spending time with you, if God willing, I'll be with you one day, I'll be able to hold your hand and call you mine, to wake up beside you and make you pancakes...which you've always loved, till then? I'll be around...

Yours now and Always,
J.S.